Posts Tagged ‘The Onion’

Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam

Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam

JUNE 14, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24, The ONION

Wilfred (inset), and the place he claims to be buried. Photo: The Onion 

MONTGOMERY, AL—In a major scandal that could cast doubt on his political future, U.S. Senate candidate Chris Wilfred came under fire this week for comments he made alleging he had died heroically while fighting in the Vietnam War.

Wilfred made the controversial claim during a speech Monday honoring three American soldiers recently killed in Afghanistan.

"I know all too well the depth of their sacrifice, for I myself was killed on a battlefield far away from home," Wilfred, a three-term Democratic state representative, said to a crowd of hundreds. "But we who have laid down our lives—whether in Vietnam or Afghanistan—have done so with the knowledge that our deeds have kept our country safe."

Added Wilfred, "Their deaths, like mine, were not in vain."  

Following the speech, critics pounced on Wilfred’s comments, accusing him of overstating his military record for the sake of scoring political points. 

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The Onion: Goldman Sachs, Noam Chomsky and Google’s Smart Phone

The ONION reports on Goldman Sachs’s misadventures, Noam Chomsky’s decision to enjoy the day, and Google’s new "whisper in your ear" smart phone service. 

The Case Against Goldman Sachs

The Securities and Exchange Commission’s lawsuit against Goldman Sachs is revealing a cavalier culture in which the firm invested recklessly and bet against its own clients. Here are some of the company’s questionable practices:

Goldman Sachs Executives Testify At Senate Hearing On Financial Crisis

  • Created its own blood bank and sat on all deposits until the Haitian earthquake
  • Tried their hardest to dissuade risk-loving pensioners and teachers’ unions from buying into unsound derivatives, but in the end it wasn’t enough to stop them
  • Drove up commodity index while hedging against price increases by maintaining a 20-acre facility crammed with full barrels of crude oil, stockpiled bales of cotton, and tens of thousands of lean hogs….
  • [...] 

  • Invested in the highly lucrative underground organ trade through its Mexican subsidiary Goldmando Saques

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Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once

Chomsky Criticizes U.S. Foreign Policy

LEXINGTON, MA—Describing himself as "terribly exhausted," famed linguist and political dissident Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was taking a break from combating the hegemony of the American imperialist machine to try and take it easy for once.

"I just want to lie in a hammock and have a nice relaxing morning," said the outspoken anarcho-syndicalist academic, who first came to public attention with his breakthrough 1957 book Syntactic Structures. "The systems of control designed to manufacture consent among a largely ignorant public will still be there for me to worry about tomorrow. Today, I’m just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam Time."

"No fighting against institutional racism, no exposing the legacies of colonialist ideologies still persistent today, no standing up to the widespread dissemination of misinformation and state-sanctioned propaganda," Chomsky added. "Just a nice, cool breeze through an open window on a warm spring day."

Sources reported that the 81-year-old Chomsky, a vociferous, longtime critic of U.S. foreign policy and the political economy of the mass media, was planning to use Monday to tidy up around the house a bit, take a leisurely walk in the park, and possibly attend an afternoon showing of Date Night at the local megaplex.

Sitting down to a nice oatmeal breakfast, Chomsky picked up a copy of Time, a deceitful, pro-corporate publication that he said would normally infuriate him.


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Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple

Fake exaggerated, but funny, news from The Onion:

Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple

OAK PARK, IL—Though sharply divided on the war on terror and domestic controversies such as abortion, drugs, and gay marriage, Americans are in almost unanimous agreement over one issue: that Oak Park, IL couple Dave Petrun and Julie DeSimone are totally sickening.

Enlarge ImageThe happiest goddam couple in the whole world.

"It’s like they think they’re the first couple to ever fall in love in the history of space and time," said Boston resident Allison Clark, one of millions of people who say they want to shoot themselves in the face after observing the tender relationship between Petrun, 28, and DeSimone, 25, evolve over the last four months.

According to an ABC News–Washington Post poll released Monday, a significant majority of Americans believe the couple’s persistent displays of affection, which include almost constant hand-holding, mutual giggling, and insufferably coy little kisses, were "f*%king ridiculous." An overwhelming eight out of 10 polled said they wished the couple would die, preferably in a fiery automobile accident. 

Continue Happy Young Couple here.>>

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Congress in action (humor)

Example of Congressional oversight and idiotic solutions, by The Onion.

Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation’s Porn From Future Generations

Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation’s Porn From Future Generations

See Also:  U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths, The Onion 

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Ford Unveils New Car for Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Ford Unveils New Car for Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Hilarious Onion video:

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus


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The ‘Real’ Reason Unemployment Is Rising

The ‘Real’ Reason Unemployment Is Rising

Courtesy of Michael Panzner at Financial Armageddon

Nowadays, the airwaves are filled with talking heads who claim to know what went wrong and where things are headed. Personally, I think The Onion, the satirical online news source (and a long-time favorite of mine), has more credibility than some of these so-called experts. In their latest report, "More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas," they detail the real reason why unemployment is rising.

(Hat tip to Fund My Mutual Fund for today’s helping of much needed black humor.)


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The Onion on Technical Analysis

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technical analysisThe Onion on Technical Analysis

TraderMark at Fund My Mutual Fund

I often say to people that technical analysis (aka squiggly line analysis) is a bunch of hooey but something that must be respected. It only works because so many people believe in the hooey – I mean why is the 200 day moving average so important? Why does the 142 day or 277 day get no love? My parallel is, if you sold sweaters in Miami and you noticed a trend that each time the temperature went over 90 degrees sweater sales shot through the roof, you’d say people were crazy. But if it happened, and you were a sweater salesman you’d respect it and stock up on sweaters ahead of the heat wave. So it is with technical analysis …

Further, my belief as high frequency trading (HAL9000 aka algorithims) and the like take over more and more of the market (now people are saying >50% of all daily volume is HFT!) technical analysis is only growing more in importance. Computers don’t buy fundamentals. While I still like buying fundamentally good stories, you can see many times stocks go up or down based on the chart – bad or good fundamental stories mean little. While I find it sad from a "historical basis of what the stock market used to be about" it is what it is, and I adjust to the market to make money.

So with all that said, someone forwarded me a post (again hat tip Clusterstock for this one) from the Onion that showed as we were coming off the last major stock market bubble that technical analysis was blossoming… what I love is however insane it reads, there is a lot of truth in the phrasing in how we interpret the market today!


The Onion: Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose from 367.22 to 408.85.

It was the biggest single-day gain for a blue line since 1994.

"Even if you extend the blue line’s big white box back many vertical lines, you won’t find a comparably large jump," said Milton

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Brilliant Satire Via The Onion……. “U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt”

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Brilliant Satire Via The Onion……. "U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt"

Courtesy of Jan-Martin Feddersen at Immobilienblasen

I also recommend to read the following brilliant satire Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again via The Onion. I´m not so sure that this "wish" hasn´t already become reality…… ;-)

Genauso brilliant der nachfolgende Clip ist Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again ebenfalls vom US Satiremagazin "The Onion". Obwohl ich mir nicht sicher bin ob der geäußerte Wunsch nicht längst in die Realität umgesetzt worden ist….. ;-)

H/T The Mess That Greenspan Made

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt



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Cash4Gold to buy the U.S. gold reserves?

In case you missed it, here’s The Onion video that sparked the confusion.


Cash4Gold to buy the U.S. gold reserves?

Courtesy of Tim Iacono at The Mess That Greenspan Made

Last week, after seeing it pop up in a number of other places, this video from The Onion about Cash4Gold wanting to buy all of the 8,000+ tonnes of U.S. gold reserves was shared here because, well, it was pretty darn funny.

You’d think that would the end of this story but, yesterday, Commodity Online (originating from India and, perhaps, not all that familiar with American-style satire) ran this story about the video, apparently not realizing that The Onion is not really "American’s Finest News Source" but a satire website offering only fake news.

IMAGE Cash4Gold, America’s leading buyer of precious metals direct from the general public, announced an offer to purchase the U.S. national gold reserve for $240 billion.

Cash4Gold stated in a press release that it learned of the federal government’s plan to turn the nation’s gold into cash after the Onion News Network broke the story at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner in Washington last week. President Obama and scores of other political and media leaders were on-hand as the Onion aired a video news segment announcing the emergency economic plan aimed at helping the United States pay off its debts.

Now, these Onion videos are good, but they’re not that good…

The funniest part about this whole thing is that it brings a bit more attention to the absurdity of the numbers. The U.S. government has already made some $13 trillion worth of guarantees as a result of the financial crisis, it has a debt of over $11 trillion, and a 2010 budget deficit of almost $2 trillion, but their entire gold reserves are only worth a little over $200 billion.

Appearing on The Onion to explain the government’s plan to work with Cash4Gold, Deputy Treasury Secretary Edward Kuehnel estimated the value of the pure gold bars that comprise the U.S. federal gold reserve at $200 billion. Cash4Gold’s unprecedented $240 billion offer reflects the full melt value of the U.S. stockpile, plus an added 20 percent. Melt value refers to

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Zero Hedge

Liquidity Strains Reappear As China's "Golden Week" Stock & Housing Market Disappoints

Courtesy of ZeroHedge. View original post here.

Submitted by Tyler Durden.

Despite last night's disappointingly weak China re-open (notably less than US ADRs had implied), it appears everyone and their pet rabbit levered up as China margin-buying rose CNY21bn - the most in 2 months. It appears China's housing market also disappointed hope-strewn expectations as Golden Week home sales slowed dramatically YoY (blamed on weather). All is not well in the liquidioty stress department as despite ongoing injections, o/n HIBOR spiked 240bps overnight. China stocks are mixed at the open as PBOC strengthens the Yuan fix for the 5th day in a row to 2 month highs. Concerns are also growing in China's c...

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Phil's Favorites

Chart o' the Day: The (non) Velocity of Money

Courtesy of Joshua M. Brown, The Reformed Broker

Why were the inflation hawks so wrong about quantitative easing? Why didn’t all the “money printing” lead to commodity prices skyrocketing?

One answer is that, while bank reserves were boosted, lending didn’t take off and there was no uptick in the velocity of money – the speed at which capital zooms through the economy and turns over. Absent velocity of money, QE could be looked at as either ineffective or actually causing a deflationary environment, where capital is hoarded and everyone is too petrified to risk it on productive endeavors.

Christopher Wood (CLSA) explains further in his new GREED & fear note:

To GREED & fear the best way to illustrate that quantitative easing is not working is the continuing declin...

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All About Trends

Mid-Day Update

Reminder: David is available to chat with Members, comments are found below each post.

Click here for the full report.

To learn more, sign up for David's free newsletter and receive the free report from All About Trends - "How To Outperform 90% Of Wall Street With Just $500 A Week." Tell David PSW sent you. - Ilene...

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Market News

News You Can Use From Phil's Stock World


Financial Markets and Economy

Zambia Seeks to Restore Confidence With Budget Amid Power Crisis (Bloomberg)

Zambian Finance Minister Alexander Chikwanda is seeking to restore confidence in the economy to help reverse the world’s worst currency, record borrowing costs and sliding growth. The two things that matter the most to the outlook are the copper price and power supply, which he has little control over. 

The World Bank is betting on mass migration driving the global economy (Business Insider)

The impact of&nb...

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Kimble Charting Solutions

S&P 500…Stuck in this zone, welcome to the “Chop House!”

Courtesy of Chris Kimble.


What do S&P 500 bull and bears have in common? There opportunities are being limited by a tight range!

I started sharing with members several weeks ago that the patterns suggested the S&P would be in a “Chop House” environment for a while and that I doubted bulls nor bears would be that happy of campers.

In this type of an environment, unless you are really quick, nimble and accurate, its a time and place to take it easy and let this play out. For the majority of traders, the distance between the close on 8/25 at 186 and the close of 200 on 9/16...

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Whitney Tilson On LL, EXACT, And Martin Shkreli


Whitney Tilson On LL, EXACT, And Martin Shkreli

Courtesy of Value Walk

1) The shares of one of my largest short positions (~3%), Exact Sciences, crashed by more than 46% yesterday. Below is the article I published this morning on SeekingAlpha, explaining why I think it’s still a great short and thus shorted more yesterday. Here’s a summary:

  • The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force’s Colorectal Cancer Screening Draft Recommendation issued yesterday is devastating for Exact Sciences’ only product, Cologuard.
  • I think this is the beginning of the end for the company.
  • My price target for the stock a year from now is $3, so I shorted more yes...

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Chart School

Yesterday's Losses Reversed

Courtesy of Declan.

Bulls can be happy with today's progress. What weakness emerged today was reversed by the close, a change on yesterday's action where sellers dumped in the last few minutes of trading. Volume climbed to register an accumulation day.

The S&P finished at the 50-day MA, but beyond that there is plenty of room beyond that to run to the next level of resistance at 2,045. Technicals are net bullish.

The Nasdaq pushed off its 20-day MA and has another 50 points of maneuver before it gets to its 50-day MA.  Technicals are not yet net bullish, but they are close.


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Sector Detector: Searching for solid support in the face of global headwinds

Reminder: Sabrient is available to chat with Members, comments are found below each post.

Courtesy of Sabrient Systems and Gradient Analytics

Uncertainty about the health of the global economy led investors to flee U.S. equities during Q3, primarily driven by worries about China's growth prospects and the Federal Reserve’s decision to not raise rates. Sure, there are plenty of real and perceived headwinds, but on balance it seems that a recession here at home is not in the cards. And when you consider sentiment and the technical picture, it appears that a continuation of Friday’s bounce is in store. The question remains as to whether the seasonally strong Q4 will be able to propel the bulls through levels of resistance that have built up.

In this weekly update, I give my view o...

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Swing trading portfolio - week of October 5th, 2015

Reminder: OpTrader is available to chat with Members, comments are found below each post.


This post is for all our live virtual trade ideas and daily comments. Please click on "comments" below to follow our live discussion. All of our current  trades are listed in the spreadsheet below, with entry price (1/2 in and All in), and exit prices (1/3 out, 2/3 out, and All out).

We also indicate our stop, which is most of the time the "5 day moving average". All trades, unless indicated, are front-month ATM options. 

Please feel free to participate in the discussion and ask any questions you might have about this virtual portfolio, by clicking on the "comments" link right below.

To learn more about the swing trading virtual portfolio (strategy, performance, FAQ, etc.), please click here ...

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Baxter's Spinoff

Reminder: Pharmboy and Ilene are available to chat with Members, comments are found below each post.

Baxter Int. (BAX) is splitting off its BioSciences division into a new company called Baxalta. Shares of Baxalta will be given as a tax-free dividend, in the ratio of one to one, to BAX holders on record on June 17, 2015. That means, if you want to receive the Baxalta dividend, you need to buy the stock this week (on or before June 12).

The Baxalta Spinoff

By Ilene with Trevor of Lowenthal Capital Partners and Paul Price

In its recent filing with the SEC, Baxter provides:

“This information statement is being ...

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Mapping The Market

An update on oil proxies

Courtesy of Jean-Luc Saillard

Back in December, I wrote a post on my blog where I compared the performances of various ETFs related to the oil industry. I was looking for the best possible proxy to match the moves of oil prices if you didn't want to play with futures. At the time, I concluded that for medium term trades, USO and the leveraged ETFs UCO and SCO were the most promising. Longer term, broader ETFs like OIH and XLE might make better investment if oil prices do recover to more profitable prices since ETF linked to futures like USO, UCO and SCO do suffer from decay. It also seemed that DIG and DUG could be promising if OIH could recover as it should with the price of oil, but that they don't make a good proxy for the price of oil itself. 


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Watch the Phil Davis Special on Money Talk on BNN TV!

Kim Parlee interviews Phil on Money Talk. Be sure to watch the replays if you missed the show live on Wednesday night (it was recorded on Monday). As usual, Phil provides an excellent program packed with macro analysis, important lessons and trading ideas. ~ Ilene


The replay is now available on BNN's website. For the three part series, click on the links below. 

Part 1 is here (discussing the macro outlook for the markets) Part 2 is here. (discussing our main trading strategies) Part 3 is here. (reviewing our pick of th...

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Help One Of Our Own PSW Members

"Hello PSW Members –

This is a non-trading topic, but I wanted to post it during trading hours so as many eyes can see it as possible.  Feel free to contact me directly at with any questions.

Last fall there was some discussion on the PSW board regarding setting up a YouCaring donation page for a PSW member, Shadowfax. Since then, we have been looking into ways to help get him additional medical services and to pay down his medical debts.  After following those leads, we are ready to move ahead with the YouCaring site. (Link is posted below.)  Any help you can give will be greatly appreciated; not only to help aid in his medical bill debt, but to also show what a great community this group is.

Thank you for you time!

FeedTheBull - Top Stock market and Finance Sites

About Phil:

Philip R. Davis is a founder Phil's Stock World, a stock and options trading site that teaches the art of options trading to newcomers and devises advanced strategies for expert traders...

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About Ilene:

Ilene is editor and affiliate program coordinator for PSW. She manages the site market shadows, archives, more. Contact Ilene to learn about our affiliate and content sharing programs.

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