Posts Tagged ‘The Onion’

Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam

Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam

JUNE 14, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24, The ONION

Wilfred (inset), and the place he claims to be buried. Photo: The Onion 

MONTGOMERY, AL—In a major scandal that could cast doubt on his political future, U.S. Senate candidate Chris Wilfred came under fire this week for comments he made alleging he had died heroically while fighting in the Vietnam War.

Wilfred made the controversial claim during a speech Monday honoring three American soldiers recently killed in Afghanistan.

"I know all too well the depth of their sacrifice, for I myself was killed on a battlefield far away from home," Wilfred, a three-term Democratic state representative, said to a crowd of hundreds. "But we who have laid down our lives—whether in Vietnam or Afghanistan—have done so with the knowledge that our deeds have kept our country safe."

Added Wilfred, "Their deaths, like mine, were not in vain."  

Following the speech, critics pounced on Wilfred’s comments, accusing him of overstating his military record for the sake of scoring political points. 

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The Onion: Goldman Sachs, Noam Chomsky and Google’s Smart Phone

The ONION reports on Goldman Sachs’s misadventures, Noam Chomsky’s decision to enjoy the day, and Google’s new "whisper in your ear" smart phone service. 

The Case Against Goldman Sachs

The Securities and Exchange Commission’s lawsuit against Goldman Sachs is revealing a cavalier culture in which the firm invested recklessly and bet against its own clients. Here are some of the company’s questionable practices:

Goldman Sachs Executives Testify At Senate Hearing On Financial Crisis

  • Created its own blood bank and sat on all deposits until the Haitian earthquake
  • Tried their hardest to dissuade risk-loving pensioners and teachers’ unions from buying into unsound derivatives, but in the end it wasn’t enough to stop them
  • Drove up commodity index while hedging against price increases by maintaining a 20-acre facility crammed with full barrels of crude oil, stockpiled bales of cotton, and tens of thousands of lean hogs….
  • [...] 

  • Invested in the highly lucrative underground organ trade through its Mexican subsidiary Goldmando Saques

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Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once

Chomsky Criticizes U.S. Foreign Policy

LEXINGTON, MA—Describing himself as "terribly exhausted," famed linguist and political dissident Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was taking a break from combating the hegemony of the American imperialist machine to try and take it easy for once.

"I just want to lie in a hammock and have a nice relaxing morning," said the outspoken anarcho-syndicalist academic, who first came to public attention with his breakthrough 1957 book Syntactic Structures. "The systems of control designed to manufacture consent among a largely ignorant public will still be there for me to worry about tomorrow. Today, I’m just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam Time."

"No fighting against institutional racism, no exposing the legacies of colonialist ideologies still persistent today, no standing up to the widespread dissemination of misinformation and state-sanctioned propaganda," Chomsky added. "Just a nice, cool breeze through an open window on a warm spring day."

Sources reported that the 81-year-old Chomsky, a vociferous, longtime critic of U.S. foreign policy and the political economy of the mass media, was planning to use Monday to tidy up around the house a bit, take a leisurely walk in the park, and possibly attend an afternoon showing of Date Night at the local megaplex.

Sitting down to a nice oatmeal breakfast, Chomsky picked up a copy of Time, a deceitful, pro-corporate publication that he said would normally infuriate him.


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Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple

Fake exaggerated, but funny, news from The Onion:

Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple

OAK PARK, IL—Though sharply divided on the war on terror and domestic controversies such as abortion, drugs, and gay marriage, Americans are in almost unanimous agreement over one issue: that Oak Park, IL couple Dave Petrun and Julie DeSimone are totally sickening.

Enlarge ImageThe happiest goddam couple in the whole world.

"It’s like they think they’re the first couple to ever fall in love in the history of space and time," said Boston resident Allison Clark, one of millions of people who say they want to shoot themselves in the face after observing the tender relationship between Petrun, 28, and DeSimone, 25, evolve over the last four months.

According to an ABC News–Washington Post poll released Monday, a significant majority of Americans believe the couple’s persistent displays of affection, which include almost constant hand-holding, mutual giggling, and insufferably coy little kisses, were "f*%king ridiculous." An overwhelming eight out of 10 polled said they wished the couple would die, preferably in a fiery automobile accident. 

Continue Happy Young Couple here.>>

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Congress in action (humor)

Example of Congressional oversight and idiotic solutions, by The Onion.

Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation’s Porn From Future Generations

Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation’s Porn From Future Generations

See Also:  U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths, The Onion 

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Ford Unveils New Car for Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Ford Unveils New Car for Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Hilarious Onion video:

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus


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The ‘Real’ Reason Unemployment Is Rising

The ‘Real’ Reason Unemployment Is Rising

Courtesy of Michael Panzner at Financial Armageddon

Nowadays, the airwaves are filled with talking heads who claim to know what went wrong and where things are headed. Personally, I think The Onion, the satirical online news source (and a long-time favorite of mine), has more credibility than some of these so-called experts. In their latest report, "More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas," they detail the real reason why unemployment is rising.

(Hat tip to Fund My Mutual Fund for today’s helping of much needed black humor.)


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The Onion on Technical Analysis

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technical analysisThe Onion on Technical Analysis

TraderMark at Fund My Mutual Fund

I often say to people that technical analysis (aka squiggly line analysis) is a bunch of hooey but something that must be respected. It only works because so many people believe in the hooey – I mean why is the 200 day moving average so important? Why does the 142 day or 277 day get no love? My parallel is, if you sold sweaters in Miami and you noticed a trend that each time the temperature went over 90 degrees sweater sales shot through the roof, you’d say people were crazy. But if it happened, and you were a sweater salesman you’d respect it and stock up on sweaters ahead of the heat wave. So it is with technical analysis …

Further, my belief as high frequency trading (HAL9000 aka algorithims) and the like take over more and more of the market (now people are saying >50% of all daily volume is HFT!) technical analysis is only growing more in importance. Computers don’t buy fundamentals. While I still like buying fundamentally good stories, you can see many times stocks go up or down based on the chart – bad or good fundamental stories mean little. While I find it sad from a "historical basis of what the stock market used to be about" it is what it is, and I adjust to the market to make money.

So with all that said, someone forwarded me a post (again hat tip Clusterstock for this one) from the Onion that showed as we were coming off the last major stock market bubble that technical analysis was blossoming… what I love is however insane it reads, there is a lot of truth in the phrasing in how we interpret the market today!


The Onion: Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose from 367.22 to 408.85.

It was the biggest single-day gain for a blue line since 1994.

"Even if you extend the blue line’s big white box back many vertical lines, you won’t find a comparably large jump," said Milton

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Brilliant Satire Via The Onion……. “U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt”

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Brilliant Satire Via The Onion……. "U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt"

Courtesy of Jan-Martin Feddersen at Immobilienblasen

I also recommend to read the following brilliant satire Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again via The Onion. I´m not so sure that this "wish" hasn´t already become reality…… ;-)

Genauso brilliant der nachfolgende Clip ist Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again ebenfalls vom US Satiremagazin "The Onion". Obwohl ich mir nicht sicher bin ob der geäußerte Wunsch nicht längst in die Realität umgesetzt worden ist….. ;-)

H/T The Mess That Greenspan Made

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt



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Cash4Gold to buy the U.S. gold reserves?

In case you missed it, here’s The Onion video that sparked the confusion.


Cash4Gold to buy the U.S. gold reserves?

Courtesy of Tim Iacono at The Mess That Greenspan Made

Last week, after seeing it pop up in a number of other places, this video from The Onion about Cash4Gold wanting to buy all of the 8,000+ tonnes of U.S. gold reserves was shared here because, well, it was pretty darn funny.

You’d think that would the end of this story but, yesterday, Commodity Online (originating from India and, perhaps, not all that familiar with American-style satire) ran this story about the video, apparently not realizing that The Onion is not really "American’s Finest News Source" but a satire website offering only fake news.

IMAGE Cash4Gold, America’s leading buyer of precious metals direct from the general public, announced an offer to purchase the U.S. national gold reserve for $240 billion.

Cash4Gold stated in a press release that it learned of the federal government’s plan to turn the nation’s gold into cash after the Onion News Network broke the story at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner in Washington last week. President Obama and scores of other political and media leaders were on-hand as the Onion aired a video news segment announcing the emergency economic plan aimed at helping the United States pay off its debts.

Now, these Onion videos are good, but they’re not that good…

The funniest part about this whole thing is that it brings a bit more attention to the absurdity of the numbers. The U.S. government has already made some $13 trillion worth of guarantees as a result of the financial crisis, it has a debt of over $11 trillion, and a 2010 budget deficit of almost $2 trillion, but their entire gold reserves are only worth a little over $200 billion.

Appearing on The Onion to explain the government’s plan to work with Cash4Gold, Deputy Treasury Secretary Edward Kuehnel estimated the value of the pure gold bars that comprise the U.S. federal gold reserve at $200 billion. Cash4Gold’s unprecedented $240 billion offer reflects the full melt value of the U.S. stockpile, plus an added 20 percent. Melt value refers to

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Zero Hedge

Meet The Man Who Funds ISIS: Bilal Erdogan, The Son Of Turkey's President

Courtesy of ZeroHedge. View original post here.

Submitted by Tyler Durden.

Russia's Sergey Lavrov is not one foreign minister known to mince his words. Just earlier today, 24 hours after a Russian plane was brought down by the country whose president three years ago said "a short-term border violation can never be a pretext for an attack", had this to say: "We have serious doubts this was an unintended incident and believe this is a planned provocation" by Turkey.

But even that was tame compared to what Lavrov said to his Turkish counterparty Mevlut Cavusoglu earlier today during a phone call between the two (Lavrov who was supposed to travel ...

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Market News

News You Can Use From Phil's Stock World


Financial Markets and Economy

25 Years of Stock Market Milestones for China (Bloomberg)

This year has been a wild ride for Chinese stocks, something that long-time investors have come to expect from a country that's seen 55 bull and bear markets since the ruling Communist Party first allowed equity trading in 1990. As the Shanghai Stock Exchange celebrates it's 25th anniversary on Thursday, here's a look at some of the key milestones on China's path from equity-market upstart to $7 trillion behemoth.

Oil rig count falls (Business Insider)

The US oil rig count ...

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Phil's Favorites

Kiss Christmas and Retail Stocks Goodbye


Connecting the Dots: Kiss Christmas and Retail Stocks Goodbye

By Tony Sagami

In my article from November 17, I touched on the growing number of retailers that report shrinking traffic and disappointing sales:

Our consumer-driven economy is not getting any help from suddenly sober shopaholics. In the most recent report, the Commerce Department reported that retail sales rose by a measly 0.1% in September. And it didn’t matter whether you wear Gucci loafers or Red Wing work boots.

Since then, the retail landscape has gotten even muddier.

The Commerce Department reported that retail sales increased by a miserly +0.1% in October, be...

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Chart School

Status Quo Maintained - Happy Thanksgiving!

Courtesy of Declan.

Holiday trading kicked into gear, although volume for the S&P managed to push into a technical accumulation day. Things are likely to remain quiet through to next week and any sharp moves at this stage have a high risk of failure.

The top performing index on the day was the Russell 2000. It managed to add another decent gain o keep the string of higher closes running. It didn't quite close above 1,200, but it may do so Friday (with the aforementioned caveat of holiday trading). Overall action in this index has been positive, and relative performance to other indices continues to improve.

The Nasdaq is also ready to break higher. ...

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All About Trends

Mid-Day Update

Reminder: David is available to chat with Members, comments are found below each post.

Click here for the full report.

To learn more, sign up for David's free newsletter and receive the free report from All About Trends - "How To Outperform 90% Of Wall Street With Just $500 A Week." Tell David PSW sent you. - Ilene...

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Kimble Charting Solutions

S&P 500 – Dangerous for bull case, if prices turn weak here!

Courtesy of Chris Kimble.


The S&P 500 remains inside of a rising channel that has been in place since 2010. The 5-year trend is up.

The 5-month trend is a different story, at this time.

Over the past 5-months, the S&P 500 has created a series of “falling weekly closing highs,” which is represented by line (1) above.

The S&P is testing this falling resistance line at (2) above.

If weakness takes place at (2) above, at falling resistance, it would be concerning price action for the bullish case!


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Sector Detector: Bulls wrest back control of market direction, despite global adversity

Reminder: Sabrient is available to chat with Members, comments are found below each post.

Courtesy of Sabrient Systems and Gradient Analytics

Some weeks when I write this article there is little new to talk about from the prior week. It’s always the Fed, global QE, China growth, election chatter, oil prices, etc. And then there are times like this in which there is so much happening that I don’t know where to start. Of course, the biggest market-moving news came the weekend before last when Paris was put face-to-face with the depths of human depravity and savagery. And yet the stock market responded with its best week of the year. As a result, the key issues dominating the front page and election chatter have moved from the economy and jobs to national security and a real war (rather than police ...

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Swing trading portfolio - week of November 23rd, 2015

Reminder: OpTrader is available to chat with Members, comments are found below each post.


This post is for all our live virtual trade ideas and daily comments. Please click on "comments" below to follow our live discussion. All of our current  trades are listed in the spreadsheet below, with entry price (1/2 in and All in), and exit prices (1/3 out, 2/3 out, and All out).

We also indicate our stop, which is most of the time the "5 day moving average". All trades, unless indicated, are front-month ATM options. 

Please feel free to participate in the discussion and ask any questions you might have about this virtual portfolio, by clicking on the "comments" link right below.

To learn more about the swing trading virtual portfolio (strategy, performance, FAQ, etc.), please click here ...

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Digital Currencies

Bitcoin's Computing Network is More Powerful than 525 Googles and 10,000 Banks!

Courtesy of ZeroHedge. View original post here.

Submitted by Reggie Middleton.

I've decided to build our startup - Veritaseum, a peer-to-peer financial services platform, directly on top of the Bitcoin Blockchain. Many queried why I would voluntarily give up a lucrative advisory and consulting business to chase virtual coins in cyberspace. That's exactly why I decided to do it. That level of misunderstanding of what is essentially the second coming of the Internet gave me a fundamental advantage over those who had deeper connections, more capital and more firepower. I was the first mover advantage holder.

You see, Bitcoin is not about coins, currency or price pops. It is a massive computing net...

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PSW is more than just stock talk!


We know you love coming here for our Stocks & Options education, strategy and trade ideas, and for Phil's daily commentary which you can't live without, but there's more! features the most important and most interesting news items from around the web, all day, every day!

News: If you missed it, you can probably find it in our Market News section. We sift through piles of news so you don't have to.   

If you are looking for non-mainstream, provocatively-narrated news and opinion pieces which promise to make you think -- we feature Zero Hedge, ...

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Whitney Tilson On LL, EXACT, And Martin Shkreli


Whitney Tilson On LL, EXACT, And Martin Shkreli

Courtesy of Value Walk

1) The shares of one of my largest short positions (~3%), Exact Sciences, crashed by more than 46% yesterday. Below is the article I published this morning on SeekingAlpha, explaining why I think it’s still a great short and thus shorted more yesterday. Here’s a summary:

  • The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force’s Colorectal Cancer Screening Draft Recommendation issued yesterday is devastating for Exact Sciences’ only product, Cologuard.
  • I think this is the beginning of the end for the company.
  • My price target for the stock a year from now is $3, so I shorted more yes...

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Baxter's Spinoff

Reminder: Pharmboy and Ilene are available to chat with Members, comments are found below each post.

Baxter Int. (BAX) is splitting off its BioSciences division into a new company called Baxalta. Shares of Baxalta will be given as a tax-free dividend, in the ratio of one to one, to BAX holders on record on June 17, 2015. That means, if you want to receive the Baxalta dividend, you need to buy the stock this week (on or before June 12).

The Baxalta Spinoff

By Ilene with Trevor of Lowenthal Capital Partners and Paul Price

In its recent filing with the SEC, Baxter provides:

“This information statement is being ...

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Mapping The Market

An update on oil proxies

Courtesy of Jean-Luc Saillard

Back in December, I wrote a post on my blog where I compared the performances of various ETFs related to the oil industry. I was looking for the best possible proxy to match the moves of oil prices if you didn't want to play with futures. At the time, I concluded that for medium term trades, USO and the leveraged ETFs UCO and SCO were the most promising. Longer term, broader ETFs like OIH and XLE might make better investment if oil prices do recover to more profitable prices since ETF linked to futures like USO, UCO and SCO do suffer from decay. It also seemed that DIG and DUG could be promising if OIH could recover as it should with the price of oil, but that they don't make a good proxy for the price of oil itself. 


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Help One Of Our Own PSW Members

"Hello PSW Members –

This is a non-trading topic, but I wanted to post it during trading hours so as many eyes can see it as possible.  Feel free to contact me directly at with any questions.

Last fall there was some discussion on the PSW board regarding setting up a YouCaring donation page for a PSW member, Shadowfax. Since then, we have been looking into ways to help get him additional medical services and to pay down his medical debts.  After following those leads, we are ready to move ahead with the YouCaring site. (Link is posted below.)  Any help you can give will be greatly appreciated; not only to help aid in his medical bill debt, but to also show what a great community this group is.

Thank you for you time!

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Philip R. Davis is a founder Phil's Stock World, a stock and options trading site that teaches the art of options trading to newcomers and devises advanced strategies for expert traders...

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