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Friday, March 29, 2024

5 Signs The American Consumer Will Save The World

5 Signs The American Consumer Will Save The World

Courtesy of Benjamin N. Dover III at Zero Hedge 

Now that the European sovereign debt crisis has been resolved once and for all, we can turn our attention back to the most important question facing the world economy and financial markets: 

Has the American consumer been chastened by the economic hiccup we’ve experienced over the past 2 years or will she continue to exercise her inalienable right to spend money she doesn’t have on stuff she doesn’t need? 

Fortunately, all the relevant evidence points to a drunken-sailor trend among American consumers.  And you don’t need to consult stats like the recent rise in consumer spending despite flat personal income.  Just take note of these 5 unmistakable signs that the engine of world economic growth is well-lubricated and humming:

1.   i-Everything 

The “Me” generation officially has been succeeded by the “i-“ generation.  Apple recently announced the sale of the 1-gajillionth i-Pad after only one month on the market.  Now, you’re probably thinking that the vast majority of those buyers don’t own either an i-Phone or a personal computer of any kind, so they’re not likely to buy another computing/communication device, thus slowing sales in those spaces.  But you’d be wrong!  It turns out the percentage of i-Pad buyers who already own both an i-Pad Mini and an i-Pad Maxi (for those heavy internet surfing days) is — hold on, let me get the exact figure — 100%.  At this rate, by the end of 2015, Apple will have sold 4 i-Something-Or-Others for every man, woman and child on the planet.  And Apple’s already developing prototypes that will revolutionize other product areas, including the i-Vibrator, the i-Q-Tip, and for your vacuuming needs, the i-Suck.

2.  Per Se What?   

For those bumpkins who don’t live in NYC, Per Se is a restaurant where meals cost more than the monthly mortgage payment you’re not making.  You’ll be glad to know, though, that they accept credit cards.  You’ll be sad to know, though, that even with your credit card you won’t be eating there.  Why?  They’re booked.  Every day for the next two months.  Just like they have been every day since they opened 6 years ago.  That’s right, that means that when the market crashed in 2008 they were booked.  When the economy went into free fall they were booked.  When it was announced that Bret Michaels wasn’t going to die, they were booked. 

Ah, you say, so they’re available more than two months from now?  No, they don’t take reservations more than two months in advance. 

Ah, you say, but that’s just one restaurant.  You’re right, other restaurants have more availability.  Like Masa, which charges a prix fixe (excluding drinks, but including the mandatory 20% service charge) of $480 per well-coiffed head.  You can get a table there for dinner this weekend any time you’d like, as long as the times you like are 5:30 or 11:15 — in the morning.

3.  Botoxicated 

Being in the public spotlight of the media, I need to look my best.  So you can imagine my frustration when my corner dermatologist recently told me he couldn’t supply me with my weekly Botox fix because he was sold out.  “But I need it bad, Doc”, I whispered to him.  He took pity on me and gave me the injection I craved from his own private stash.  Thank God for his secret Connecticut connection. 

At around $500-$1000 per “site” (i.e., the places on your face that need to be chemically restored to their natural appearance), Botox is the new lipstick of counter-cyclical items.  And that doesn’t even count all the other dispensable dermatological products and procedures that are basic human necessities.  In economic downturns, you can skip a child’s private school payment, you can even go without food and water, but you simply can’t stop the aging process without cosmetic dermatology.

4.  Did I mention Apple sold 68 hexatrillion i-Pads before the idea for the device was even conceived? 

And that’s not counting the exponentially larger number of essential apps that all those i-Pad users are shelling out hard-earned credit for.  Like the one that senses increased blood flow to the genitals and automatically downloads freaky Japanese porn to your i-Whatever (only $2.99 at www.fapapp.com); or the app that reminds you to have a bowel movement (only $4.99 at www.crapapp.com); or the one that tells you every hour on the hour that you’re a sucker for having bought it (only $12.99 at www.sapapp.com).

5.  Whole Credit Limit  

“Or•gan•ic, adj.: Of, relating to, or derived from living organisms.”

Sure, there are a few supermarkets that specialize in synthetic oranges, rubber poultry, and plastic milk, but they’re usually located in or around Chernobyl.  Most others sell foodstuffs that are organic.  But why shop there when you can buy “organic” groceries at Whole Foods for 3 times the price?  Best of all, the oil-slathered prepared foods you can buy there come packaged not in a sealable plastic container but an eco-friendly cardboard Chinese take-out box that requires only a few minutes to assemble and has the advantage of leaving your hands full of organic grease as you carry it out the door in the plastic bag they don’t provide. 

The company just released quarterly results, and without boring you with the numbers, let’s just say they’ve sold an organic shitload of high-priced “organic” stuff. 

So the next time a profligate European backwater seems ready to default, or the real estate market seems on the verge of collapse, or an investment bank non-announces it’s being criminally investigated, don’t worry.  Hi ho gold!  The American consumer to the rescue.

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