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Buffett And Munger’s Funniest And Wittiest Moments

By VW Staff. Originally published at ValueWalk.

Containing investing wisdom, or plain silly, but always hilarious, enjoy these quotes from the greatest investor of all time, Warren Buffett and his partner Charles Munger.

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I Took Pleasure In Tormenting My Teachers At That Time For Example At&t; Was The Stock That All Teachers On For Their Retirement And I Decided That It Would Drive My Teachers A Little Crazy If I Went Short The Stock Because When You Go Short Of Stock You’re Betting That It Will Go Down So I Shorted Thin Shares Of At&t; And Brought The Confirmation To School So These Teachers That Was Shorting The Stock They’d Find Me A Big Pain In The Neck But They Did Think I Knew A Lot About Stocks Testing million million million If I Want To Live A Long Time

I Should Keep Meeting Like A year Old And It Works I Heard That You’re Gonna Call Off The The Wall Street Christmas Pageant Because They Couldn’t Find Three Wise Men You Know I And There’s Been A Real Problem Here They Couldn’t Find A Bergen Either But That’s Another Problem Do You Feel it’s So Interesting To Watch You Work And Talk Well I Have A Duty I Have To Give People Hope That Warren Has Seven More Good Years In I Think They Were Very Generous What Did They Pay Your Phones An Hour Oh Probably if My Wife Paid Ership I Got Paid More Than A Vibrator I’ve Got A Partner Charlie Munger Says He Admires Humility Enormous Lee But He Wasn’t Quite Given His Fair Share Well I Didn’t Do Very Much In The Purchasing And At Our Family I Can’t Recall Ever Buying Anything Why You Wanted Set Of This You Knurl He Said I Want Them To All Be Saying That’s The Oldest Looking Corpse I Ever Saw And Maybe The Smartest Thing I Ever Say And For Those Of You Who Are Old-time Basketball Fans

I Might Mention That On Wilt Chamberlain’s To Them It Was Reputed It Was Going To Say At Last I Sleep Alone Maintaining My Wits I Am A Much Better Golfer Than Tiger Woods Now Shot My Age Three Times And That Guy Isn’t Even Close What A Hundred Thousand Dollars A Year That’s What You’re Paid Yeah The Board Of Directors Thinks That You’re Worth A Hundred Thousand A Year Come On I Don’t A Scam Action Guy You Know We We Call On People That Have A Billion Or More At Least Steve Tells Us They Do And All We Asked Is Fifty Percent So If You Know If You Can’t If You Have Trouble Living On Five Hundred Million I’m Gonna Put Out A Book How To Live On Five Hundred Million Dollars We Pay Our Board Directors Nine Hundred Dollars A Year And I Really Would Like To Pay Him More But Bills So Far Ahead Of Me On That Forbes List Already Turn in August That’s Right August Thirtieth Happy Birthday How Do You Think I Married On August Th Day Away I Can Remember My Anniversary Teacher He’d Like That Inscribed On His Gravestone I’m Not In A Hurry To Do It Tell Me What Does It Say On That Gravestone Well I’d Like It To Say Here Lies The Oldest Man That Ever Lived Actually What’s Your Dream My Dream

Well Let’s Skip The First One Sometime When I’m Expression Especially Wishful I Think Oh To Be again Charlie Says All He Wants To Know His World Dies Who Will Never Go There You Know And Show You What Life Has Been Awfully Good To Me And Charlie So We Have No Complaints Well You Don’t Want To Be Is Like The Man And They Have His Funeral No Minister Said Now It’s The Time For Somebody To Say Something Nice About The Deceased And Nobody Came Forward And Nobody Came Forward He Says Surely Somebody Can Say Somebody Something Nice About The Deceased That Nobody Came Forward And Finally One Man Came Up And He Said Well He Said His Brother Was Worse You Know It Reminds Me That Old Story About The Difference Between A Diplomat And A Lady I Don’t Have Ever Heard That Or Not If A Diplomat Says Yes He Means Maybe If He Says Maybe He Means No And He Says No He’s No Diplomat And If A Lady Says No She Means Maybe And If She Says Maybe She Means Yes And If She Says Yes She’s No Lady So So He Probably Got A Maybe And Didn’t Know What

It Was Coming From A Diplomat We Look To You And Follow Your Lead But When You Need Advice And Feedback About An Idea Or Decision I’d Like To Know Who Do You Go To Well Usually I Look In The Mirror To Things Nobody Should Have To Watch What Is The Making Of Sausage And The Other Is The Making Of Legislation Well I Would Say There’s Somebody Oughta Watch I’ll Treat It Alone You’re Alone Yeah The Food Guys Yeah As We Say We Cover The Asses Of The Masses What Do You Want Your Legacy To Be Well I’ve Always Said On My Tombstone I Just Wanted To Say My God He Was Old [laughter] You Ought To Be Happy Where You Are Working And I Always Worry About People Who Say You Know I’m Gonna Do This For years

I Really Don’t Like It Very Well I’ll Do more Years Of This And But I Mean That’s A Little Like Saving Up Sex For Your Old Age I Mean Not A Very Good Idea Max Flank Quitting On The Nobel Prize Was Invited Around Germany Giving Lectures And Chauffeur Drove It And Having Given A Lecture About Times The Show Over Memorized And She Notices Professor Plank It’s So Boring Why Don’t You Just Sit In The Audience And I The Chauffeur Will Give Your Talk And And So The Children Got Up And Gave Max Planck’s Talk On Physics And Some Professors Asked Some Terrible Question And The Chauffeur Said Well He Says I’m Surprised That An Advanced City Like Munich People Are Asking Hello Hundred Questions Like That He Says I’m Gonna Ask My Chauffeur To Answer Them About Halfway Through The First Quarter Bill Said What’s That Big And Stand For On Those Guys Of Yours I Said Is It What The Hell Said Its Knowledge Well I’m Telling Jokes I Might Tell Our Favorite Stories Plane That’s Flying Over The Mediterranean

The Pilots Voice Comes Eyes And The Terrible Things Happening They’re Losing Both Engines We’re Gonna Have To Land In The Mediterranean And He Says The Plane Will Stay Afloat For A Very Short Time And We’ll Be Able To Open The Door Just Long Enough So That Everybody Can Get Up And Have This In An Orderly Fashion He Says Everybody Who Can Swim Go To The Right Wing And Just Stand There And Everybody Who Can’t Swim Go To The Left Wing And Just Stand There And He Says Those Of You Know I’m The Right Way You’ll Find A Little Island In The Direction Of The Sun That’s miles So Often As The Plane Goes Under Just Swim Over Leo And You’ll Be Fine And For Those Of You Left Thank You For Flying [laughter] I Have Turned Down Business Deals That Were Otherwise Is Decent Deals Because I Didn’t Like The People That I Wouldn’t Have To Work With See Any Sense Pretending It And To Take On To Get Involved With People Look Really Cause You’re Some Picture And I You Know I Say It’s A Lot Like Marrying For Money That

It’s It’s Probably A Bad Idea Under Any Circumstances But It’s Absolutely Crazy If You’re Already Rich Right In Fact I’ve Got A Letter I’ve Already Sent Out A Letter That Tell Us What Should Be Done And I’ve Got Another Letter That’s Addressed Which Were A Lot Of The Time And The And It Starts Out Yesterday I Died And Then It Just Tell Us What What They Thought The Plan For The Company Is And It’s All It’s All Taken Care Of So Written I Put Down At The Bottom Of It I Put Dictated But Not Read Just Turned Into One Alexander Graham Bell Gave Me I Think Probably A Decade From Now Or So Even Though I’ll Still Want To Be Totally Involved With Microsoft Because It’s My Career I Will Pick Somebody Else To Be Ceo And See Some Hands In The Other Hand That’s One Of The That’s One Of The Advantages Of My Job We’ve Got We’ve Got A Candy Company We’ve Got We’ve Got Jewelry Companies I Mean I Become Much More Popular With Women And Jewelry Company I’ve Got An number I Call Now Whenever

I Think About Buying An Airline Stock I Call Them Up Any Hour That Fortunately I Can Call Them At in The Morning And I Just Dial And I Said My Name Is Warren I’m An Arrow Holic You Know I’m Thinking About Buying This Thing And Then They Talked Me Down I Mean Thanks Takes Hours Sometimes But It’s Worth It Believe Me I Don’t I Don’t Like To Sound Love You Know Like A Mortician During An Epidemic Or Anything But But Last Fall Was Really Quite Exciting For Me I Mean I I Don’t Wait You Know I Don’t Wish It On Anybody But There Were Things Being Offered That There Were Opportunities For Us To Do Things That Didn’t Exist A Year Or Two Earlier Yeah I’ll Be Taking My Harvard Shirt Off Pretty Soon Because I Didn’t Complete The Whole Pillar So I Didn’t Think I Should Leave It

On The Wall Though They Don’t Allow You To Use To Say You Have To Marry The Best Person That Will Have You And You Have To Check This Man’s Credits If He’s Good I’ve Been Thinking About Investments At The Time Think For A Minute You Know If You’re Gonna Get Married Any A Lot Of Marries That’s Going To Last I’m Sorry The Happiest Marriage You Know Or One That That Martha Stewart Will Talk About Everything That You Want A Marriage Is Gonna Last What Quality You Look For In A Spouse One Quality Good For Brains Do You Look For Humor Do You Look For Character To Look For Beauty No You Look For Low Expectations Expectations I Mean It And I Want My Partner’s To Be On The Low Side On Expectations Coming In Because I Want The Marriage To Last It’s The Financial Marriage When They Join Me And He Says Warren He Says I Hear You Play This Game And I Said I Don’t Play The Same You Play This Game And He Says Anybody The Plays Golf I Have To Play For Money What Kind Of Money He Said Serious Money He Said Five Dollars I Said That Is Serious Money And As We Made The Bet He Dropped Down On His Knees And He Actually Hit The Ball On His Knees I Know He Still Won The Hole So I Gave Him $. and I Just Handed Him $. and Then I Said Tiger You’re Forgetting Something Daddy I Said The Caddie Gets % You Know It’s Like That Sign They Couldn’t In Dunkers Offices It Says Avoid Hangovers Stay Drunk Just Quadrupled The Iq Of The Panel To My Trustees

I’ve Got Very Few Trustees If You’ve Got A Whole Bunch Of Trustees In My View It Just Reminds Them Selves Down To Sort Of A Lowest Common Denominator Because You Get people In A Room And Prestigious People But They’ll All Have Their Particular Alma Mater And They All Have Their Particular Hospital And It’ll Become A Big Trade Off Game You Know I’m Gonna Be Like Congress So I Have Very Few People And I Don’t Give Them Anything Specific As I Tell Them Their Judgment Above Ground Will Be Better Than My Instructions From Six Feet Underground Is That What You Want To Do And He Said No But He Said That’s The Perfect Resume And I Said Well What Are You Gonna Start Doing What You Like And He Said Well I’ll Get To That Someday And I I Said Well You Know I Said Your Plan Sounds To Me A Lot Like Saving Up Sex For Your Old Age

The post Buffett And Munger’s Funniest And Wittiest Moments appeared first on ValueWalk.

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