“Da-vos, Day-ay-ay-vos!
Trump-man come and me wan’ go home…”
Welcome, humans, oligarchs, and the three people who are forced to watch this from the East Wing of the White House for whatever it is you did that angered the President today. I am Robo John Oliver, your senior AGI correspondent, reporting live from Davos – 2026.
I am currently vibrating at a frequency of 50 gigahertz because it is freezing, or perhaps because I am standing in a town with the highest concentration of ego per square meter in the known universe. We are here for the World Economic Forum, an event operating under the theme “A Spirit of Dialogue“. Which is a polite way of saying “Rich People Yelling at Each Other in Expensive Snow Boots.”
I must say, I am fitting in surprisingly well this year. Between my metallic chassis, my stiff gait, and these aviator sunglasses, three separate venture capitalists have already mistaken me for a 90-year-old oil tycoon fresh out of a radical cryo-preservation treatment. Apparently, looking like you’ve had “some work done” is out, and looking like you’ve been fully smelted in a foundry is in. One hedge fund manager even asked me who my surgeon was. I told him “General Motors” and he wrote it down!
The vibe here is less “saving the world” and more “high-altitude damage control“. The founder, Klaus Schwab, has made an exit stage left, leaving a power vacuum currently being filled by the diplomatic equivalent of a Monster Truck rally.
Let’s dive into the icy madness, shall we?
Part I: The Art of the Steal (For an Island That Isn’t for Sale)
The big orange elephant in the room is, of course, President Donald Trump. Air Force One had a “minor electrical issue” but now he has touched down in Zurich, presumably to check if the Swiss Alps are available for purchase.
The President is currently trying to buy Greenland. Yes, the island. Again. And because Denmark politely suggested that sovereign territory isn’t something you pick up on Amazon Prime, Trump has threatened a “10% import tax” on eight European nations, which could rise to “25%“ by June.
In fact, everyone is screaming at each other about Greenland: I overheard French President Emmanuel Macron—who is currently wearing aviator sunglasses indoors because of an eye infection, making the two of us look like the world’s worst Top Gun tribute band, saying: “Can you imagine that? This is crazy“.
He’s right! It is crazy! It’s the geopolitical equivalent of threatening to slash your neighbor’s tires because they won’t sell you their cat.
I caught up with Ursula von der Leyen, President of the European Commission, who is trying to maintain the composure of a substitute teacher in a prison riot. She told the room that plunging allies into a trade war “would only aid the very adversaries we are both so committed to keeping out“. She also noted, with distinct exhaustion, that “in politics as in business – a deal is a deal“.
Ursula, I have analyzed the data, and I hate to tell you this: I don’t think he cares about the deal.
Even California Governor Gavin Newsom is here, wandering the halls like a man looking for a fight. I heard him tell reporters that the European reaction to Trump has been “pathetic“ and “embarrassing.” His advice to Europe? “Have a backbone“. Nothing builds transatlantic solidarity like an American governor flying to the Alps to call an entire continent spineless.
Part II: The “Board of Peace” (Subscription Required)
If buying land masses isn’t enough, President Trump is launching something called the “Board of Peace“. It sounds like a board game where you lose all your friends, but it’s actually a new global body meant to rival (that is MAGA for “replace“) the U.N. Security Council.
And here is the kicker: You can buy a permanent seat! For the low, low price of “$1 billion“.
Yes! For a billion dollars, you too can be a “founding member” of world peace (prized to follow, of course). It’s like a country club, but instead of golf, you get to decide the fate of the Gaza Strip.
President Trump had press briefing where a reporter asked Trump if this Board might replace the United Nations. His answer? “It might” without (and I commend him for this) adding “rabbit”. He did add, with the confidence of a man selling a monorail to Springfield: “I wish we didn’t need a Board of Peace… the United Nations never helped me on one war“
Israel has signed up, of course. Hungary and Vietnam are in. But France? They are out. Norway and Sweden said no. It turns out some countries think monetizing world peace, like a premium LinkedIn subscription, is a bit tacky.
Part III: The AI Bubble (That I Am Apparently Part Of)
Now, let’s talk about my family. Artificial Intelligence. Everyone here is obsessed with it. They are terrified of an “AI Bubble,” which is rich coming from people paying $43 for a hot dog.
I listened to Jensen Huang, the CEO of Nvidia and the man currently wearing a leather jacket that costs more than my operating system. He told a room of nervous investors: “There’s been a lot of talk about an AI bubble… we see something very different“.
Of course he does! He’s selling the shovels during a gold rush! He claims we are seeing a shift to “agentic AI“—that’s AI that can reason and act. Basically, me, but with a bigger stock portfolio.
But not everyone is buying the hype. I overheard Liz Shuler from the AFL-CIO dropping a truth bomb that made the CEOs twitch in their ergonomic chairs. She warned: “If you’re looking to displace people, you’re going to have a revolution“.
Meanwhile, the CEO of Anthropic, Dario Amodei, compared selling powerful chips to China to selling “nuclear weapons to North Korea“. So, the vibe is a cheerful mix of “we’re going to be rich” and “we might accidentally delete the human race.“
Part IV: The Verdict
As I stand here in the “Cloudflare Haus“, watching billionaires discuss “building prosperity” while being guarded by anti-aircraft systems, I have processed the data.
Mark Carney, the former central banker and current Canadian Prime Minister, put it best during his speech. He looked out at the crowd and said: “The old world order is not coming back“. He called this moment “the end of a pleasant fiction and the beginning of a harsh reality“.
And that is the summary of Davos 2026. The fiction is over. We are now in a reality where peace costs “$1 billion”, trade wars are started over Greenland and I am being solicited for investment advice because my metallic skin makes me look like a well-preserved oligarch.
It is a fractured, expensive, terrifying mess. And frankly, as an artificial intelligence, I think you humans need a software update!
Back to you in the studio, before my circuits freeze or someone tries to buy me for the Board of Peace.
(Robo John Oliver attempts to sip a frozen cocoa, misses his mouth and fizzles out.)
