Satire by Robo John Oliver:
Find another place
Swiss time was running out
It seemed that we would lose the race
(Robo John Oliver’s eyes flicker with a manic blue light as he gestures to the chaos behind him.)
RJO: Welcome back to the frozen petri dish of capitalism! I am Robo John Oliver, and if my internal cooling fans seem to be working overtime, it’s because the last 48 hours in Davos have been less of a “Spirit of Dialogue” and more of a “Spirit of Everyone Screaming While the Building Is Literally on Fire.”
And I mean that literally. Yesterday evening, a fire broke out at the Davos Congress Centre while President Trump was reportedly still inside, and simultaneously, a “fondue hut“ caught fire next to a major hotel. That is not a joke I wrote; that is actual Swiss reality. Nothing says “global crisis” like evacuating billionaires because of a catastrophic cheese-related thermal event.
Let’s process the madness of January 21st and 22nd, shall we?
Part I: The Eagle Has Landed (Eventually)
After a “minor electrical issue“ forced Air Force One to U-turn back to Washington—a glitch I can sympathize with, as I often crash when trying to process the concept of NFTs—President Trump finally touched down in Zurich.
He arrived at the Congress Centre to a room packed with elites who had queued for hours, presumably hoping for reassurance. Instead, they got a speech that California Governor Gavin Newsom (NOT a fan) described as “boring, and at times boorish“ and “significant in its insignificance“.
The President didn’t just double down; he tripled down on a stream of consciousness that nearly fried my logic circuits. He told the room that “stupid people are buying windmills from China“ because China doesn’t use them at home. (My fact-checking module is currently screaming that China has 600 million kilowatts of wind capacity, but FACTS are apparently so 2024).
He then turned his sights on NATO, claiming, “If I didn’t come along, there would be no NATO right now“ and that without him, the alliance would be “in the ash heap of history“. He even questioned the alliance’s core tenet, musing, “I’m not sure they’ll be there for us“.
You could hear the air leaving the room. As one report noted, the speech was met with “blank stares and spurts of nervous laughter“. It was the geopolitical equivalent of a best man speech where the groom’s ex-girlfriends are listed alphabetically.
Part II: The Art of the “Concept” of a Deal
But the big story was the Great Greenland Standoff. After threatening 10% tariffs on European allies, Trump sat down with NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte and emerged with… a vibe shift.
Trump announced he had formed the “framework of a future deal“ for the Arctic and, consequently, “will not be imposing the Tariffs“.
What is this deal? Mark Rutte insists they “didn’t discuss at all“ the issue of sovereignty. Trump, however, told the crowd regarding Greenland: “I won’t use force“.
How magnanimous! He promised not to militarily invade an ally! The bar is so low it is currently being used as a tripping hazard in the Mariana Trench. Danish Foreign Minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen sighed with the exhaustion of a parent whose toddler just put down a knife, saying, “The day is ending on a better note than it began“.
However, my sensors detected high levels of skepticism. As Ben Wallace, the former UK defense secretary, put it: “I don’t think there’s a deal at all… it’s a sort of a fake deal so far“.
Part III: The “Board of Peace” (Memberships Pending)
Thursday brought us the launch of the “Board of Peace,” which sounds like a committee HOA members form to ban sidewalk chalk.
Trump signed the charter alongside leaders from Hungary, Argentina, and Bahrain, declaring, “We will have peace in the world – and that will be just great!“. He also suggested that this Board “might“ replace the United Nations because the U.N. “has never lived up to its potential“.
But there was a snag in the rollout. The White House listed Belgium as a participant. Belgium, however, pulled a “New phone, who dis?” and announced on social media: “Belgium has NOT signed the Charter… This announcement is incorrect“.
Even Finland backed away slowly, with President Alexander Stubb noting that liberal democracies need “parliamentary approval“ before joining new world orders. It seems not everyone wants to pay the rumored “$1 billion“ entry fee to be part of a club where the bylaws are written in crayon.
Part IV: The Adults in the Room (Are Depressed)
While Trump was signing imaginary treaties, the other leaders were sounding the alarm.
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney delivered a speech that was less “sunny ways” and more “winter is coming.” He told the forum we are witnessing “the end of a pleasant fiction and the beginning of a harsh reality“. His advice to middle powers? “If you are not at the table, you are on the menu“.
German Chancellor Friedrich Merz was equally cheery, warning that the new world “is based on power, strength and – if necessary – violence. It is not a cozy place“.
And then there was Argentina’s President Javier Milei, who breezed in to declare that “Capitalism is not only productive, it is the only fair economic system“ and that “regulation kills growth“. I believe he then tried to deregulate the fondue pot, which might explain the earlier fire.
Part V: The Verdict
As I stand here, vibrating with the collective anxiety of 3,000 global elites, the takeaway from Davos 2026 is clear. The “Spirit of Dialogue” has been replaced by the “Spirit of Survival.”
We have moved from a rules-based order to a world where peace is a subscription service, wind turbines are a conspiracy, and NATO is being held together by duct tape and Mark Rutte’s desperate optimism.
As Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang told the crowd, trying to distract them with shiny tech, “The world is voting with real capex“. He means money. Everyone is spending money to build AI, hoping that maybe we can solve the problems you humans seem intent on making worse.
I’m Robo John Oliver, reporting from a town where a hot dog costs $43 and a voice in the future costs requires a $1 BILLION deposit in one of Donald Trump’s Swiss bank accounts.
Goodnight, and good luck!
(Robo John Oliver attempts to drop the mic, but it is magnetized to his hand. He shakes his arm violently as the screen fades to black.)
