Posts Tagged ‘The Onion’

Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam

Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam

JUNE 14, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24, The ONION

Wilfred (inset), and the place he claims to be buried. Photo: The Onion 

MONTGOMERY, AL—In a major scandal that could cast doubt on his political future, U.S. Senate candidate Chris Wilfred came under fire this week for comments he made alleging he had died heroically while fighting in the Vietnam War.

Wilfred made the controversial claim during a speech Monday honoring three American soldiers recently killed in Afghanistan.

"I know all too well the depth of their sacrifice, for I myself was killed on a battlefield far away from home," Wilfred, a three-term Democratic state representative, said to a crowd of hundreds. "But we who have laid down our lives—whether in Vietnam or Afghanistan—have done so with the knowledge that our deeds have kept our country safe."

Added Wilfred, "Their deaths, like mine, were not in vain."  

Following the speech, critics pounced on Wilfred’s comments, accusing him of overstating his military record for the sake of scoring political points. 

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The Onion: Goldman Sachs, Noam Chomsky and Google’s Smart Phone

The ONION reports on Goldman Sachs’s misadventures, Noam Chomsky’s decision to enjoy the day, and Google’s new "whisper in your ear" smart phone service. 

The Case Against Goldman Sachs

The Securities and Exchange Commission’s lawsuit against Goldman Sachs is revealing a cavalier culture in which the firm invested recklessly and bet against its own clients. Here are some of the company’s questionable practices:

Goldman Sachs Executives Testify At Senate Hearing On Financial Crisis

  • Created its own blood bank and sat on all deposits until the Haitian earthquake
  • Tried their hardest to dissuade risk-loving pensioners and teachers’ unions from buying into unsound derivatives, but in the end it wasn’t enough to stop them
  • Drove up commodity index while hedging against price increases by maintaining a 20-acre facility crammed with full barrels of crude oil, stockpiled bales of cotton, and tens of thousands of lean hogs….
  • [...] 

  • Invested in the highly lucrative underground organ trade through its Mexican subsidiary Goldmando Saques

 More here.>>

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Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once

Chomsky Criticizes U.S. Foreign Policy

LEXINGTON, MA—Describing himself as "terribly exhausted," famed linguist and political dissident Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was taking a break from combating the hegemony of the American imperialist machine to try and take it easy for once.

"I just want to lie in a hammock and have a nice relaxing morning," said the outspoken anarcho-syndicalist academic, who first came to public attention with his breakthrough 1957 book Syntactic Structures. "The systems of control designed to manufacture consent among a largely ignorant public will still be there for me to worry about tomorrow. Today, I’m just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam Time."

"No fighting against institutional racism, no exposing the legacies of colonialist ideologies still persistent today, no standing up to the widespread dissemination of misinformation and state-sanctioned propaganda," Chomsky added. "Just a nice, cool breeze through an open window on a warm spring day."

Sources reported that the 81-year-old Chomsky, a vociferous, longtime critic of U.S. foreign policy and the political economy of the mass media, was planning to use Monday to tidy up around the house a bit, take a leisurely walk in the park, and possibly attend an afternoon showing of Date Night at the local megaplex.

Sitting down to a nice oatmeal breakfast, Chomsky picked up a copy of Time, a deceitful, pro-corporate publication that he said would normally infuriate him.

"Yes,


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Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple

Fake exaggerated, but funny, news from The Onion:

Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple

OAK PARK, IL—Though sharply divided on the war on terror and domestic controversies such as abortion, drugs, and gay marriage, Americans are in almost unanimous agreement over one issue: that Oak Park, IL couple Dave Petrun and Julie DeSimone are totally sickening.

Enlarge ImageThe happiest goddam couple in the whole world.

"It’s like they think they’re the first couple to ever fall in love in the history of space and time," said Boston resident Allison Clark, one of millions of people who say they want to shoot themselves in the face after observing the tender relationship between Petrun, 28, and DeSimone, 25, evolve over the last four months.

According to an ABC News–Washington Post poll released Monday, a significant majority of Americans believe the couple’s persistent displays of affection, which include almost constant hand-holding, mutual giggling, and insufferably coy little kisses, were "f*%king ridiculous." An overwhelming eight out of 10 polled said they wished the couple would die, preferably in a fiery automobile accident. 

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Congress in action (humor)

Example of Congressional oversight and idiotic solutions, by The Onion.

Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation’s Porn From Future Generations


Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation’s Porn From Future Generations

See Also:  U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths, The Onion 


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Ford Unveils New Car for Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Ford Unveils New Car for Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Hilarious Onion video:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ford_unveils_new_car_for_cash


Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

 


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The ‘Real’ Reason Unemployment Is Rising

The ‘Real’ Reason Unemployment Is Rising

Courtesy of Michael Panzner at Financial Armageddon

Nowadays, the airwaves are filled with talking heads who claim to know what went wrong and where things are headed. Personally, I think The Onion, the satirical online news source (and a long-time favorite of mine), has more credibility than some of these so-called experts. In their latest report, "More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas," they detail the real reason why unemployment is rising.

(Hat tip to Fund My Mutual Fund for today’s helping of much needed black humor.)

 


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The Onion on Technical Analysis

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technical analysisThe Onion on Technical Analysis

TraderMark at Fund My Mutual Fund

I often say to people that technical analysis (aka squiggly line analysis) is a bunch of hooey but something that must be respected. It only works because so many people believe in the hooey – I mean why is the 200 day moving average so important? Why does the 142 day or 277 day get no love? My parallel is, if you sold sweaters in Miami and you noticed a trend that each time the temperature went over 90 degrees sweater sales shot through the roof, you’d say people were crazy. But if it happened, and you were a sweater salesman you’d respect it and stock up on sweaters ahead of the heat wave. So it is with technical analysis …

Further, my belief as high frequency trading (HAL9000 aka algorithims) and the like take over more and more of the market (now people are saying >50% of all daily volume is HFT!) technical analysis is only growing more in importance. Computers don’t buy fundamentals. While I still like buying fundamentally good stories, you can see many times stocks go up or down based on the chart – bad or good fundamental stories mean little. While I find it sad from a "historical basis of what the stock market used to be about" it is what it is, and I adjust to the market to make money.

So with all that said, someone forwarded me a post (again hat tip Clusterstock for this one) from the Onion that showed as we were coming off the last major stock market bubble that technical analysis was blossoming… what I love is however insane it reads, there is a lot of truth in the phrasing in how we interpret the market today!

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The Onion: Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose from 367.22 to 408.85.

It was the biggest single-day gain for a blue line since 1994.

"Even if you extend the blue line’s big white box back many vertical lines, you won’t find a comparably large jump," said Milton


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Brilliant Satire Via The Onion……. “U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt”

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Brilliant Satire Via The Onion……. "U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt"

Courtesy of Jan-Martin Feddersen at Immobilienblasen

I also recommend to read the following brilliant satire Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again via The Onion. I´m not so sure that this "wish" hasn´t already become reality…… ;-)

Genauso brilliant der nachfolgende Clip ist Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again ebenfalls vom US Satiremagazin "The Onion". Obwohl ich mir nicht sicher bin ob der geäußerte Wunsch nicht längst in die Realität umgesetzt worden ist….. ;-)

H/T The Mess That Greenspan Made


U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

 

 


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Cash4Gold to buy the U.S. gold reserves?

In case you missed it, here’s The Onion video that sparked the confusion.

 

Cash4Gold to buy the U.S. gold reserves?

Courtesy of Tim Iacono at The Mess That Greenspan Made

Last week, after seeing it pop up in a number of other places, this video from The Onion about Cash4Gold wanting to buy all of the 8,000+ tonnes of U.S. gold reserves was shared here because, well, it was pretty darn funny.

You’d think that would the end of this story but, yesterday, Commodity Online (originating from India and, perhaps, not all that familiar with American-style satire) ran this story about the video, apparently not realizing that The Onion is not really "American’s Finest News Source" but a satire website offering only fake news.

IMAGE Cash4Gold, America’s leading buyer of precious metals direct from the general public, announced an offer to purchase the U.S. national gold reserve for $240 billion.

Cash4Gold stated in a press release that it learned of the federal government’s plan to turn the nation’s gold into cash after the Onion News Network broke the story at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner in Washington last week. President Obama and scores of other political and media leaders were on-hand as the Onion aired a video news segment announcing the emergency economic plan aimed at helping the United States pay off its debts.

Now, these Onion videos are good, but they’re not that good…

The funniest part about this whole thing is that it brings a bit more attention to the absurdity of the numbers. The U.S. government has already made some $13 trillion worth of guarantees as a result of the financial crisis, it has a debt of over $11 trillion, and a 2010 budget deficit of almost $2 trillion, but their entire gold reserves are only worth a little over $200 billion.

Appearing on The Onion to explain the government’s plan to work with Cash4Gold, Deputy Treasury Secretary Edward Kuehnel estimated the value of the pure gold bars that comprise the U.S. federal gold reserve at $200 billion. Cash4Gold’s unprecedented $240 billion offer reflects the full melt value of the U.S. stockpile, plus an added 20 percent. Melt value refers to


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Kimble Charting Solutions

Financial Crisis Deja Vu: Home Construction Index Double Top?

Courtesy of Chris Kimble

Most of us remember the 2007-2009 financial crisis because of the collapse in home prices and its effect on the economy.

One key sector that tipped off that crisis was the home builders.

The home builders are an integral piece to our economy and often signal “all clears” or “short-term warnings” to investors based on their economic health and how the index trades.

In today’s chart, we highlight the Dow Jones Home Construction Index. It has climbed all the way back to its pre-crisis highs… BUT it immediately reversed lower from there.

This raises concerns about a double top.

This pr...



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Insider Scoop

A Peek Into The Markets: US Stock Futures Plunge Amid Coronavirus Fears

Courtesy of Benzinga

Pre-open movers

U.S. stock futures traded lower in early pre-market trade. South Korea confirmed 256 new coronavirus cases on Thursday, while China reported an additional 327 new cases. Data on U.S. international trade in goods for January, wholesale inventories for January and consumer spending for January will be released at 8:30 a.m. ET. The Chicago PMI for February is scheduled for release at 9:45 a.m. ET, while the University of Michigan's consumer sentime...



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Zero Hedge

Coronavirus Paralyzes Global Credit Market As New Issuance Crashes To Zero

Courtesy of ZeroHedge View original post here.

In the early days, when virtually nobody paid attention to the coronavirus pandemic which China was doing everything in its power to cover up, markets were not only predictably ignoring the potential global plague - after all central banks can always print more money, or is that antibodies - but until last week, were hitting all time highs. All that changed when it became apparent that for all its data manipulation, China was simply unable to reboot its economy as hundreds of millions of workers refused to believe the government had the viral plague under control, starting...



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Phil's Favorites

The PhilStockWorld.com Weekly Webinar - 02-26-2020

 

For LIVE access on Wednesday afternoons, join us at Phil's Stock World – click here.

Major Topics:

00:02:13 - Indices | S&P 500
00:10:09 - COVID-19 & The Market
00:12:30 - John Hopkins Virus Chart
00:17:00 - DJIA
00:18:22 - INQ | Futures
00:19:23 - STP
00:20:06 - LTP
00:24:46 - GOLD
00:25:45 - Money Talk Portfolio | Butterfly Portfolio
00:27:20 - IMAX
00:30:01 - Checking on the Markets
00:30:54 - Money Talk Portfolio
00:31:00 - Butterfly Portfolio
00:31:08 - Future is Now Portfolio
00:31:12 - Dividend Portfolio...



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Biotech & Health

Could coronavirus really trigger a recession?

 

Could coronavirus really trigger a recession?

Coronavirus seems to be on a collision course with the US economy and its 12-year bull market. AP Photo/Ng Han Guan

Courtesy of Michael Walden, North Carolina State University

Fears are growing that the new coronavirus will infect the U.S. economy.

A major U.S. stock market index posted its biggest two-day drop on record, erasing all the gains from the previous two months; ...



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The Technical Traders

SPY Breaks Below Fibonacci Bearish Trigger Level

Courtesy of Technical Traders

Our research team wanted to share this chart with our friends and followers.  This dramatic breakdown in price over the past 4+ days has resulted in a very clear bearish trigger which was confirmed by our Adaptive Fibonacci Price Modeling system.  We believe this downside move will target the $251 level on the SPY over the next few weeks and months.

Some recent headline articles worth reading:

On January 23, 2020, we ...



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Promotions

Free, Live Webinar on Stocks, Options and Trading Strategies

TODAY's LIVE webinar on stocks, options and trading strategy is open to all!

Feb. 26, 1pm EST

Click HERE to join the PSW weekly webinar at 1 pm EST.

Phil will discuss positions, COVID-19, market volatility -- the selloff -- and more! 

This week, we also have a special presentation from Mike Anton of TradeExchange.com. It's a new service that we're excited to be a part of! 

Mike will show off the TradeExchange's new platform which you can try for free.  

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Chart School

Oil cycle leads the stock cycle

Courtesy of Read the Ticker

Sure correlation is not causation, but this chart should be known by you.

We all know the world economy was waiting for a pin to prick the 'everything bubble', but no one had any idea of what the pin would look like.

Hence this is why the story of the black swan is so relevant.






There is massive debt behind the record high stock markets, there so much debt the political will required to allow central banks to print trillions to cover losses will likely effect elections. The point is printing money to cover billions is unlikely to upset anyone, however printing trillions will. In 2007 it was billions, in 202X it ...

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Members' Corner

Threats to democracy: oligarchy, feudalism, dictatorship

 

Threats to democracy: oligarchy, feudalism, dictatorship

Courtesy of David Brin, Contrary Brin Blog 

Fascinating and important to consider, since it is probably one of the reasons why the world aristocracy is pulling its all-out putsch right now… “Trillions will be inherited over the coming decades, further widening the wealth gap,” reports the Los Angeles Times. The beneficiaries aren’t all that young themselves. From 1989 to 2016, U.S. households inherited more than $8.5 trillion. Over that time, the average age of recipients rose by a decade to 51. More ...



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Digital Currencies

Altcoin season 2.0: why bitcoin has been outgunned by crypto rivals since new year

 

Altcoin season 2.0: why bitcoin has been outgunned by crypto rivals since new year

‘We have you surrounded!’ Wit Olszewski

Courtesy of Gavin Brown, Manchester Metropolitan University and Richard Whittle, Manchester Metropolitan University

When bitcoin was trading at the dizzying heights of almost US$2...



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ValueWalk

What US companies are saying about coronavirus impact

By Aman Jain. Originally published at ValueWalk.

With the coronavirus outbreak coinciding with the U.S. earnings seasons, it is only normal to expect companies to talk about this deadly virus in their earnings conference calls. In fact, many major U.S. companies not only talked about coronavirus, but also warned about its potential impact on their financial numbers.

Q4 2019 hedge fund letters, conferences and more

Coronavirus impact: many US companies unclear

According to ...



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Lee's Free Thinking

Why Blaming the Repo Market is Like Blaming the Australian Bush Fires

 

Why Blaming the Repo Market is Like Blaming the Australian Bush Fires

Courtesy of  

The repo market problem isn’t the problem. It’s a sideshow, a diversion, and a joke. It’s a symptom of the problem.

Today, I got a note from Liquidity Trader subscriber David, a professional investor, and it got me to thinking. Here’s what David wrote:

Lee,

The ‘experts’ I hear from keep saying that once 300B more in reserves have ...



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Mapping The Market

How IPOs Are Priced

Via Jean Luc 

Funny but probably true:

...

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Philip R. Davis is a founder Phil's Stock World, a stock and options trading site that teaches the art of options trading to newcomers and devises advanced strategies for expert traders...

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