The key points:
- He’s sorry.
ONION Medley
by ilene - April 9th, 2010 9:30 am
Sampling several articles from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source (click on titles for whole articles):
U.S. Government: We Have Not Forgotten About Osaka Binn Rogen
WASHINGTON—High-ranking intelligence officials said Monday that the military was still aggressively pursuing notorious terrorist Osaka Binn Rogen, declaring that they had not forgotten about bringing the leader of the Al Hydra network to justice.
U.S. Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates assured citizens that American forces were actively hunting down Osaka Binn Rogen, and asserted that locating the mastermind behind the tragic 19-11 attacks is as pressing now as it was when their search first began, six or 10 years ago or however long it’s been.
"This homicidal madman committed terrible atrocities against the American people, and we have never, ever lost sight of that," Gates said. "Binn Rogen is the most wanted man on the planet, and he remains our No. 1 priority."
"We have only one thing to say to this heinous individual," Gates added. "We will find you, Osaka Binn Rogen."
Based upon field surveillance and intelligence, officials recently widened the search for Orlama Win Roben by dispatching CIA paramilitary officers and Delta Force soldiers to track down, capture, or assassinate the terrorist leader, who has been described as a "very bad, very tall guy with a beard."
"Every single day our brave soldiers are out plastering wanted posters with Owanda Bun Luvin’s face on buildings, telephone poles, and surrounding trees," Gen. Stanley McChrystal said. "We are constantly scouring the dangerous borderlands of Latvia for this terrible, terrible man."…
Here’s a little something we may have suspected, but now there’s a scientific study:
Study: Shoving, Yelling Makes Things Go Faster 76% Of Time
TUCSON, AZ—Researchers at the University of Arizona released a study Monday showing a causal relationship between raising one’s voice, pushing people in the chest, and getting what you want more quickly. …
Similarly unsurprising…
Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends
ATLANTA—Concerned workers at the National Primate Research Center said Bobo, a 5-year-old chimpanzee participating in a 16-month cocaine study, was observed this week lying to the faces of friends, family, and staff.
"Our goal was to determine how large doses of the stimulant would improve or impair the chimpanzee’s ability to perform memory and language tasks," said primatologist Daniel Martin, the project’s lead researcher. "What we found was that cocaine
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Has Attack-Lawyer Gloria Allred Launched A Coordinated Assault On Tiger Woods?
by ilene - March 18th, 2010 3:13 pm
Has Attack-Lawyer Gloria Allred Launched A Coordinated Assault On Tiger Woods?
Courtesy of Henry Blodget at Clusterstock
The lawyer for the porn star who just ruined Tiger Woods’ life again by publishing seriously raunchy text messages is none other than Gloria Allred.
Who is Gloria Allred? Well, let’s just say she’s no shrinking violet.
She’s also the lawyer of other alleged Tiger mistresses, including Rachel Uchitel.
Allred was not happy with Tiger’s public apology a few weeks ago. In fact, she blasted it as pathetic.
Allred has also been negotiating with Tiger’s attorneys for a settlement on behalf of her clients.
It seems reasonable to assume, therefore, that Allred could have orchestrated the release of today’s sext messages, with the message to Tiger’s attorneys being:
"How’d you like those, fellas? Lots more where those came from."
Was Allred behind this? Or did her client Joslyn James just take matters into her own hands? We contacted Allred and asked her to confirm whether the texts were from Tiger, whether James and Tiger are involved in any legal dispute and which of Tiger’s lady friends Allred is representing. She responded, via email, with a simple, "No comment."
Meanwhile, another question follows from this. Is this why Tiger hired George Bush’s press man, Ari Fleischer? Ari’s going to be busy today.
See Also: Here’s The Woman Who Just Ruined Tiger Woods’ Life (Again)
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“How Could I Be So Selfish and So Foolish”
by ilene - February 19th, 2010 3:28 pm
"How Could I Be So Selfish and So Foolish"
Courtesy of JESSE’S CAFÉ AMÉRICAIN
Were Lloyd and Jamie and the pigmen of Wall Street and Washington taking notes during Tiger Woods’ apology?
Doubtful.
No one is perfect, of course. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone sins. We are all weak, and insufficient in ourselves. And yet we attempt great things, in fear and trembling. The spirit endures and abides.
But there are moments in history that are epidemic with excess, a pathological pursuit of lust, greed, and deceit with a nihilistic determination that is more like a fashion of the age than an aberration. Chic to be above conventional morality and the law, lacking all proportion. Accepted, and even admired.
Tiger’s words could be the new American Anthem for a generation of reckless, selfish, and self-destructive behaviour by those most blessed by its freedom, offered the greatest opportunities and privileges, sometimes undeserved, and most often paid for by the sacrifice of others.
Most of them still have no regrets, except of course for the fear of discovery. They will have to somehow grow a conscience for that. Or face the withdrawal of support by their sponsors. In the case of Tiger it was Nike. In the case of the Banks it is the US government. And in the case of the US government it is a gullible and complacent public.
"Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, have worked with me, always supported me. Now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you simply and directly I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behaviour I engaged in. I know people want to find out how i could be so selfish and foolish.
I knew my actions were wrong but I convinced myself that the normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I only thought about myself…
I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt that I was entitled.
Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.
I recognize I have brought this on myself
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Tiger Is Doubling Down On Buddhism To Get Over His Sex-Addiction
by ilene - February 19th, 2010 12:03 pm
Good for Tiger, and maybe even Buddhism. Sometimes it takes a life-changing disaster to find a healthier course. We hope Buddhism will help Tiger achieve the hole in one he’s looking for so he can keep his putter in his bag. – Ilene
Tiger Is Doubling Down On Buddhism To Get Over His Sex-Addiction
Courtesy Jay Yarow at Clusterstock/Business Insider
Tiger Woods just announced plans to focus more on Buddhism to help him get his life together.
This will no doubt disappoint Brit Hume, who infamously suggested Tiger use Christianity to get over his sex addiction.
Tiger says he’s heading back to rehab, and he’ll use the religion to find his center.
See also:
Tiger Apologizes, Has No Immediate Comeback Plans
Courtesy of Joe Weisenthal at Clusterstock/Business Insider
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Tiger Woods Is Headed To Rehab For Sex Compulsion
by ilene - December 17th, 2009 1:44 pm
Yep, no surprises here. – Ilene
Tiger Woods Is Headed To Rehab For Sex Compulsion
Tiger Woods is reportedly planning to go into rehab in Arizona for treatment for ‘sexual compulsion’ and his use of Vicodin painkillers and Ambien sleeping pills.
This, of course, is the way everyone knew this scandal would end.
The news was reported by the British tabloid The Daily Mail.
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Jim Rogers on the Tiger Woods solution
by ilene - December 11th, 2009 10:42 pm
Jim Rogers on the Tiger Woods solution
Courtesy of Tim Iacono at The Mess That Greenspan Made
It’s been a while since a Jim Rogers quote graced the pages of this blog – it seems it was well worth the wait after looking at the gems offered up in this interview with CNBC today.
Gov’t Spending Is Like Tiger’s Dating: Jim Rogers
The U.S. government’s plan to increase spending as a way to kick-start the economy will leave the country with no way to help its way out of the next crisis, Jim Rogers, chairman of Jim Rogers Holdings, told CNBC Thursday.
The Treasury Department "has been putting out all of this stimulus and now they’re talking about extending the (Troubled Asset Relief Program)," Rogers said.
…
Geithner "is a very smart person," but "he’s been wrong about everything for the last 15 years," Rogers said."Why are we listening to any of those guys down there? They’re making our situation worse," he said. "They said in writing yesterday the solution to our problem is to spend more money … that’s what got us into this problem: too much debt."
"That’s like saying to Tiger Woods, ‘you get another girlfriend and it will solve your problems’ or ‘five more girlfriends and you will solve your problems,’" he said.
Rogers sees a currency crisis of some sort occurring somewhere around the world sometime in the not-too-distant future and asks how the U.S. government intends to solve future financial and economic crises if they borrow and print so much money to solve the current one, "What are they going to do, quadruple the debt again? Print more money?"
This was one of the best rhetorical questions I’ve heard all year…
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Tiger-gate
by ilene - December 8th, 2009 9:08 pm
Courtesy of The Business Insider
IT BEGINS: Gatorade Discontinues Tiger Line
"It has nothing to do with recent events," the company says, laughably.
Of course, they’re still sponsoring him, so it’s not a total cut-off.
But this is just the beginning of the damage about to be inflicted on Woods’s very fat pocketbook.
Tiger Woods is now associated with pornstars, domestic disputes, and the hospitalization of his mother-in-law. In other words, he’s toxic.
See Also:
Will "Morals" Clauses Impact Tiger’s Endorsements?
By Erin Geiger Smith, courtesy of The Business Insider
Nike supports Tiger and his family. Our relationship remains unchanged."
Such was Nike’s statement last Wednesday, when we were just a few days (and a few mistresses) into the Tiger Woods scandal.
Nearly a week (and numerous mistresses) later, news came from CNBC that one of Woods’s sponsors, Gatorade, is discontinuing one of its products connected to golf’s biggest star.
Gatorade said the decision had "absolutely nothing to do with recent events," and there is evidence it actually was not scandal-related ("[I]ndustry trade Beverage Digest actually reported the discontinuation of the Gatorade Tiger Focus line on Nov. 25, two days before the accident occurred, CNBC reported).
But as the scandal continues to unfold and additional allegations pour out, no doubt Woods’s sponsors are holding closed door meeting to decide how to move forward.
Woods’s endorsement deals are a massive part of his income. He is projected to surpass $1 billion in career earnings by 2010, 90% of which will have come from endorsements.
One phrase that is being tossed around is "morals clause." While Woods’s alleged behavior may be morally objectionable to many, that has nothing to do with how "moral" may be legally defined in his various contracts.
Fernando Pinguelo, who has written about morals clauses, said that, like all contract negotiations, the "leverage the ‘talent’ has in a particular deal," as well as the capabilities of his agent, will direct what the clause says. Woods, of course, had maximum bargaining power and top tier representatives.
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The Official Tiger Woods Family Christmas Portrait
by ilene - December 2nd, 2009 10:10 pm
The Official Tiger Woods Family Christmas Portrait
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Season’s Beatings!
Okay, I know, I don’t normally post pictues that come in my email…
Question is, will Elin kiss and make up with someone who’s missing teeth?
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No Way Out For Tiger Woods Other Than The Truth
by ilene - November 29th, 2009 2:24 pm
Wondering what’s been going on with Tiger?
No Way Out For Tiger Woods Other Than The Truth
Courtesy of Henry Blodget at Clusterstock
Of all the stories and speculation that are swirling around, this one from TMZ seems to fit the facts the best. It’s based on a conversation Tiger reportedly had with a friend yesterday.
We’re told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We’re told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat
for his SUV — but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club…
Tiger then became distracted and hit the hydrant and then a nearby tree.
We’re also told Woods had said during the conversation Friday he had been taking prescription pain medication for an injury, which could explain why he seemed somewhat out of it at the scene.
Startling stuff?
Yes.
But also survivable.
If Tiger was, in fact, scratched and knocked unconscious by his furious wife, Tiger will have paid for whatever mistake he made in a way that most public figures who make that mistake don’t. This will earn him some sympathy. Remaining silent for a day to protect Elin will earn him even more.
Elin, meanwhille, appears to have stood up for herself, which will win her some points, too (although not for the manner in which she did it). People have little respect for the typical stand-by-your-man approach to these things, and the facts suggest Elin may have taken a different route.
What won’t work is a vague reiteration of what Tiger’s camp said on Friday: That Tiger just had a minor car accident.
The police will get to the bottom of what happened, and unless TMZ is just fabricating sources (we doubt it), Tiger appears to have offered at least one person a more complete and believable version of events.
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Philip R. Davis is a founder Phil's Stock World, a stock and options trading site that teaches the art of options trading to newcomers and devises advanced strategies for expert traders...
Ilene is editor and affiliate program
coordinator for PSW. She manages the site