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Boss Gets Into Groove After 3rd Round Of Layoffs

This is funny, but sad, don’t get me wrong.  The Onion reports on the layoff progress from the dismisser’s point of view.

Boss Gets Into Groove After 3rd Round Of Layoffs

INDIANAPOLIS—After two earlier rounds of clumsy, uncoordinated layoffs, Wiley Advertising manager Hank Strauss finally hit his pink-slip-issuing stride Friday with the "effortless" dismissal of one quarter of his remaining workforce.

"By the time I got to the IT department, I was really feeling it," the 51-year-old said after terminating two dozen full-time employees without breaking a sweat. "I don’t know, it was like everything fell into place: my timing, my reflexes, everything.

Added Strauss, "What a rush."

The most recent round of job cuts marked the third time in the past four months that revenue concerns have forced the advertising agency to reduce its payroll, and according to Strauss, this latest spate of layoffs "was by far [his] best yet."…

"I was firing people in ways I never knew were possible," Strauss said. "Sometimes I’d tell them right off the bat that their position had been eliminated, and other times I’d build it up for a couple minutes and then drop the hammer. It all just came so naturally."…

Strauss’ performance on Friday represented a striking improvement over his earlier attempts at downsizing, which had been marred by stilted, awkward deliveries, repeated bungling of the company’s terms of severance, and unconvincing attempts at condolence.

"God, I’ll never forget this one woman, an executive assistant, who we were replacing with an unpaid intern," said an embarrassed Strauss. "She kept pleading and sobbing, and I told her it wasn’t personal, just a matter of ‘budgetation’ restrictions. Budgetation? What was that?"…

Full article here.

 

 


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  1. i recently went through a voluntary severance offer at my old work, which i accepted -
    after reading this, i also have even greater respect for my old firm and the manner they are trying to downsize via these initially voluntary means…
    a suggestion for a future article feature, i think, would be follow-ups on this increasingly efficient manager, his advancements, disappointments, and eventual job status further into this ongoing delevering of our financial system….