Sunday Funnies 2010-04-04: Seasonal Adjustments
Courtesy of Mish
Department Of Labor Spends $40 Billion To Create One Amazing New Job
Inquiring minds are reading Department Of Labor Spends $40 Billion To Create One Amazing New Job.
In an effort to stimulate economic growth and boost the confidence of the American workforce, the federal government has allocated $40 billion to create one unbelievably mind-blowing new job, Labor Secretary Hilda Solis announced Monday.
The position, which will require the selected applicant to relocate to a sprawling, white-sand-beach facility on St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands, will begin immediately after the employee is hired. In addition to a $500,000 annual salary, Solis said that the job also includes 12 weeks of paid vacation, a generous pension, bimonthly bonuses for adequate attendance totaling more than $2 million a year, a company rocket pack, and full health benefits.
"After carefully surveying the current employment landscape, it has become evident that generating a single, incredible new job is the most effective course of action," Solis said. "Rather than place 2 million Americans in unfulfilling, dead-end careers, we feel that giving one citizen the opportunity to contribute to the study of multiple orgasms in a controlled hot-tub environment will ultimately yield the most lasting change."
Solis stressed that the new job will "not be a handout," and that the chosen worker will be expected to put in long hours riding a Jet Ski while taste-testing a variety of new microbrewed craft beers. Though the new employee will not report to an immediate superior, he or she will be required to submit monthly progress reports pertaining to an ongoing trampoline-and-bottle-rockets public works project.
Happy Easter!
